Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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