Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
