Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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