you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
