I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm too high and old for this...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
