his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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