apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
