we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
