the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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