My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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