1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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