My liver just broke up with me...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
