I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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