just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sext me about skeletons
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
