somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
