do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i black out too much to be "responsible"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
