please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
