Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
