mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
