Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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