Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
