In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
