I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
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