in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
