he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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