Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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