Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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