Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
