i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
