Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
