How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
