I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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