Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
