so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
