my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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