MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
