Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
