I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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