i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
