I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
