I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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