I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
