So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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