oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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