cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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