I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
