he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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