I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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