Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
