So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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