So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
