I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
