New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
