please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
