I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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