If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
