you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
