Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
