I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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