I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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